"Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray"

As promised my next blog is about the Pablo Picasso museum in Barcelona! For as far back as I could remember, art has always been a big part of life. Whereas all the little girls in my preschool were playing with dolls, I was always found at the arts and crafts table. At home, my most cherished items were those of which I could create. Markers, crayons, blow-pens (remember those?!) You name it, I had it! When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say how I wanted to become an artist! And up until last year, I was convinced my profession would have something to do with art (Art Therapy). It senior year that I had the epiphany that Art as a profession was not for me. Senior Year I decided to take an AP Art class where I had to create 24 works for my portfolio. As a perfectionist, I stayed up tossing and turning, trying to figure out what the perfect “focus” would be! I went back and forth between concentrations only to end up empty handed at the end of the day. Art became a chore for me. Never once have I dreaded any art class I have taken but senior year I found myself always anxious for 5th period. The reason I loved art so much was because of the therapeutic feeling it gave me, last year I lost that passion. What do you do when the one thing that helps you “un-stress” gives you stress? This question haunted me last year and after various breakdowns I discovered why. A hobby is a hobby. You are motivated internally to perform with not pressure but desire. When your hobby than becomes your job, you lose sight of the “reason” why you are performing. No longer is it solely for enjoyment but all these extrinsic motivations come in the play, stripping you of your inner motivation. When art became filled with perfection, deadlines and critiques, it lost its expression form of nature for me! That’s when I decided to give up my dream of putting art in my profession, but I did not give up on my dream of keeping it in my future. Sadly, I haven’t rediscovered my passion to create. A slow and steady process of healing that I hope I do gain back. But in this struggle I did however discover a different area of art. The history behind it. Of course, I knew of artists but I began to really look into their lives. Although I do love a good realistic painting like those of Hopper and Rockwell. I find myself intrigued most often by those artists who underwent some form of mental breakthrough. Picasso, Van Gogh and Dali are among my main men. These artists became one with their work and struggled, like I had, with their focus. Which is why, in my senior Europe trip, when we were given the choice between shopping or the Picasso museum, I chose Picasso. He grew up in Barcelona and it was so cool to be walking around a city that influenced him so much. We passed the café where he got most of his inspiration from “Les Quatre Gats“! 

Walking through the museum I became filled with emotion. His early works at first were completely normal. He painted realistic paintings of landscape and scenery and his talent was unreal. He wasn’t always the crazy artist who painted ears where eyes should be. He started out normal, like all of us had. The pressure of success however broke him. And this is when he broke away from traditional paintings and began painting his expressions, ones filled with confusion and disorder. I admire Picasso for his passion and will to rise above the pressure of perfection. Whereas he may not have developed into the most “mentally stable” artist, his works were nothing short of revolutionary and an inspiration to understand that perfection is sometimes imperfect. This mug is has one of Picasso’s paintings after his breakdown. You can still make out that the picture is of a cup, but the lines are skewed and the painting is littered with unnecessary color and lines. 

Whenever I feel like my anxiety is creeping up on me, I use this mug to channel Picasso’s motto that something extraordinary can be reached without perfection. I hope one day I gain my will back to begin painting again, maybe over the summer when I have the time to stare into the white cruel eyes of the blank canvas, I will face that demon and overcome my fear and take back my passion.


But until then…
“Keep Calm and Carry On”
Jo(anna)